Oh how my own words from yesterday echoed throughout my head last night. It was a simple statement that turned out to be a lie. Well, maybe not so much a lie, but a misleading comment, indeed.  I should add onto the statement and change it to “I love storms, but I hate their repercussions.”

Despite the frantic nature of it all, the sound of raindrops exploding off tree leaves and roads paired with the resonant roar of thunder can be very calming. Large gusts of wind eliminate power and give households a much needed break from the media-saturated lives we live.  The only source of light comes from flickering candles and the silvery moon that has become shrouded in clouds. It all works together to produce a brilliant show at its climax and a placid, hushed world after it passes.  

With my time separated from electricity, I took a nice, long walk. Though I knew the area well, it was almost made anew with the otherworldly fog creeping through the surrounding woods. Streetlights were replaced with the soft glow of the moon’s sky. A soft breeze occasionally danced through the air around me sending cooling shivers through my body.

One could say that it was a night that poets could be lost in. The night was so serene and perfect that almost nothing could ruin it. “Almost nothing” did not include the dying gasps of technology.

Content with a peaceful evening, I retired to my room after a refreshing shower. As I laid down, I swept my blanket over my torso and said, “Awww, my fan can’t turn on. I won’t be able to sleep all hot and sweaty.”

As it turns out, I was able to be comfortable even with the lack of my fan. My heavy eyelids soon started to close slowly like medieval drawbridges.  I began to ascend the levels of my mind in an attempt to reach my dreams. Moments away from reaching my subconscious, I was abruptly disrupted by a high-pitched “BEEP …BEEP…BEEP.”

I assured myself that that beeping produced in the laundry room was nothing but a cheap watch that was left in pant pockets. It was simply an alarm that had been set and was finished. A few minutes had passed and once again my ears were annoyed by a “BEEP…BEEP…BEEP.”

I summoned my remaining energy to spring from my bed and track the sound into the laundry room to find the technological culprit that was preventing my rest. My investigation brought me to my Verizon Fios box attached to the ceiling. The noise was signaling the death of the battery. Forgetting the situation that started this ordeal, I unplugged the box from the wall. This, of course, did little to stop the harassing beeping. I pushed all the buttons in an attempt to end the annoyance, but to my dismay, nothing could turn it off.

The switchless box had defeated me and continued to rub it in by beeping every few minutes. I had lost the battle. Forced to retreat from my man-cave and climb the stairs up to the living room, I found a safe haven on my couch. All was fine until I heard the faint cry of the Fios box. Again it was screeching, “BEPP…BEEP…BEEP.”

Though it was very weak and distant beep, it quickly became more distracting and louder with each occurrence. My ears began to focus on hearing it. The Beeping under the floorboards became louder and louder! Was I the only one hearing this? Was I losing my mind? Would this end with me tearing up my living room’s floor to expose the dying box to anyone that would listen? Was this the case of the Tell-Tale Fios Heart?

I opened the window next to my head, allowing the song of a thousand of crickets to infiltrate the air. Once again, nature had overcome technology. The crickets had freed me from my suffering. Within a few minutes, the crickets’ chirps had lulled me into a slumber.

It was not for a few hours that I awoke to a bright, lamplight filled room. The power was back on and the piercing sound of the beeping box had ended. I returned to my cave with a smile on my face and I was able to turn on my fan. I laid down, pulled the cover over my body, and listened closely to detect the faint whisper of the crickets. In a final act of kindness, the crickets played me another lullaby.  

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RfAHBVMguDQ

Ever since my very first cell phone, I have entered my friends into the phonebook as unique entries. Tom would become “Tommy Gun,” Andrew became “Apple Jacks,” my father became “The Great Eagle of Deldrimore,” and so on and so forth.  The secret to remembering the contacts real names is to associate the names with the aliases. All of my contact aliases in my phone are somehow connected to the person’s real name. For example: Andrew’s middle name is James… he could be called “AJ” or “Apple Jacks.”

Not only do the aliases provide a more impressive looking contact list, but also, they protect you from someone stealing your phone and texting a specific person.  My support for phone aliases significantly increased when I began to text more girls in college. I wouldn’t cheat on girls or lie to them about talking to other girls, but the aliases were useful in allowing me to text any girl I wanted without getting hassled by friends. 

On top of that, the aliases were able to be brought into everyday conversations with close friends that I shared information with. We could have a conversation about a girl right in front of her friend and nobody would think twice about it. What’s more, aliases for girls are fun because it gives you the opportunity to make them a cute name or an ironic name. The aliases I created for most of my female friends were based on their likes, initials, or situations that I was in with them.

Examples:

Fossa: The girl’s favorite animal.

Ralph Lauren: The initials of a girl.

Cake: Getting with this girl was anything but a “piece of cake”.

Cartoon:.well….she kind of looked like a cartoon.

Ergo, aliases can be very useful and enjoyable. However, they should not be used for evil purposes, such as cheating. Rather, they should be used to strengthen the feel of friendship and closeness with someone. Plus it’s funny as hell when someone grabs my phone and asks, “who the hell are all of the strange people on your contact list?”

By the way: This is a Fossa.

In order to break free of the monotony of undecorated cubes, one must adorn their walls with motivational or distracting items. Lacking children, girlfriends, and neo-classic art posters, I am left to create my own theme for my cube. So, of course, I choose animals.

On one wall alone I have a green tree frog, a Tokay gecko, a prehistoric alligator, two dragons, a turtle, a dolphin, and a tang. My computer monitor is the home for two plastic lizards, a lobster, a dingo, a rat, and a mandrill. On my back wall I have post-it pictures of dinosaurs, peacocks, flamingos, and a giraffe. Finally, my cubicles edge is the resting place for a rubber frog and shark, as well as an encaged polar bear.

I created some of the decorations, bought some, and adopted the others. I did all of this not only for my own enjoyment, but also, for the enjoyment of others around me. My cube has become known as “the zoo.” It is a safe house and a shelter for any animal toys or decorations that need a hideout. My cube even boasts a large Styrofoam T-REX and lion!

I have decided to continue the animal expansion at the cost of my co-workers perception of me. Sure I may seem like the crazy animal guy, but that’s better than bland cube schmoe down the isle.

The major benefit to have all these animals is to have something to play with on long, slow days. I can quickly escape into being a wildlife show host instead of suffering the reality of having no one answer there phone.

Although all of the animals may sound a bit distracting, they actually help keep me focusing on only one thing when work is slow. I find that when I am away from my desk my mind runs all over the place. In a small, ten-minute meeting I think of many random things. On this past Saturday I decided to track my thoughts while I was in a meeting. I present to you- My Saturday morning meeting’s notes.

The second group of people is fools. If you are one of said people, I do not apologize, but I do feel sorry for you. I feel disappointed that you think so little of yourself that you have to thank people in every single email that you send out. I feel bad that you are irrational too.

My argument: Adding “thank you” to an email signature is bad because-

If a boss emails you a task to do- why on earth would you ever include a “thank you”? For example:

Boss: “Peterman, cross reference the Sawolski files by noon.”

You: “No problem. Thank you.”

If a client requests you to explain something to them or to send them information- why would you thank them?

Client: “I’m an idiot. Can you please take time out of your schedule to explain something to me for the thousandth time?”

You: “Sure thing! Thank you …..for being a douche!”

If you are having a debate or argument via email- why would you thank your enemy?

Enemy: “You’re a selfish jerk. All you care about is moving ahead in this company and stabbing people in the back. I am reporting you to HR.”

You: “You’re out of your mind! I never did anything to you and you can’t report me to HR for not doing your work! Thank you.”

If someone has legitimately assisted you or has done you a favor- why would you want to thank them with a contrived, non-sincere “thank you”? If you are truly appreciative or the situation dictates that a “thank you” is deserved then you should be willing to take the few seconds to type it up and make it specialized for that scenario. People replying to a favor with a “thank you” signature are assholes.

Instead of “thank you”, I propose that we should all use “You’re Welcome.” Have confidence in yourself. You are an amazing person and most likely you are the smartest person in your life. It is nothing short of a gift to others for you to communicate with them. “You’re welcome” is great because it is the nice thing to do to reply to an email. So no matter what the original email is, by saying You’re Welcome- you are highlighting the fact that you took the time to read and respond to the person’s email.

In situations where you send the original email- asking for favors or telling coworkers what they need to do you are saying “you’re welcome” because you know that giving them the opportunity to work with someone as great as yourself is probably the best thing to happen in their lives.  For example: “You’re welcome for me letting you do this favor to help me. It is probably the highlight of your miserable day.” -Their thankfulness is instantly implied.

Finally, in most cases you are probably answering a question in an email you sent out. If you provide any information, the person to ask the question should be thankful that you fed them info- hence the “you’re welcome” is once again acceptable.

BTW here is a link to my ancestor Jimith Ferguson:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G6YuLgyYZhc

Thank you for reading

You’re Welcome for posting this.

PS- Please credit the cookie monster of shire baggins for the creation of “you’re welcome” email signature.

Now the job is not always mentally draining. In fact, many days can fly by and are full of great conversations. However, that obviously is not going to be everyday. We all have days at our jobs when we can’t stand having to do menial, repetitive tasks.

These specific days that we experience highlight the need to relax outside of work. We need to recharge our batteries anyway we can. So after a stressful day at work, there’s nothing better than going home and indulging in any activity that can calm your mind.

Working out is a great way to relieve stress. Although going to the gym can get frustrating when moronic meatheads jump from one piece of equipment to another with their herd of 3-5 other jackasses. So what do you do? You go to the cardio area and jump on the one elliptical or treadmill that is open, only to realize the person in front of you doesn’t understand what deodorant is.

Running around the neighborhood can be relaxing until you pass the 15^th house in a row with an annoying high pitch, yapping dog. Sometimes it’s best to just stay in and relax with some music and a good book. Recently, I have heard many people speak of how relaxing aquariums are. Watching beautiful fish as the serenely glide through the tranquil waters of an eye catching tank is an amazing way to calm down.

Those amazing tanks and beautiful can be quite costly though. The last thing anyone wants to do is have to work more hours to afford a solution to the stress created from having a repetitive job.

(Insert Solution)

I propose that you purchase a HD Aquarium Blue Ray Disc or even a DVD. It truly is the best solution. Now I am able to go home, turn on some peaceful music, grab a beer, and enjoy my 40’’ 1080p aquarium. And when I get bored of the aquarium I can quickly switch to 2 alternate aquariums the came on the same Blue Ray. The quality is great and it even entertains my cat for long periods of time.

The aquarium got me thinking about a lot of stuff. Eventually, I realized that Blue Rays can save people a lot of trouble and money in life.

Who wants to go through all the trouble of building an expensive koi pond? Put it on Blue Ray.

Who wants to go through the pain of building a romantic fire? Put it on Blue Ray.

Who needs a kid in today’s economy? I suggest buying a virtual baby on Blue Ray. It would be looped footage of a really cute baby and it could have three settings: Peaceful cradle sleeping scene, joyful laughing, and curiously looking around. Basically, you get all of the benefits of a child without the hassle. Also, you don’t risk the chance of having the “ugly baby.” We have all seen those babies…you know the ones where you thought it was an oversized naked mole rat.

As for the people that object and question “But what about the feel of a fire or the touch of a child?!” I can answer that with this point. With all the large amounts of money you would be saving, you could go on vacation anywhere you wanted any year with anyone that you want! You could buy the finest of liquors to drown away all the feelings of loneliness. You can even buy the most beautiful prostitutes…and in the end, is that not what all great men in history have strived for? Is it not what our forefathers fought for? Is it not what man dreamt of before they even cared for going to the moon?!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0mmx68VmTEo

“My name is Benjamin Button, and I was born under unusual circumstances. While everyone else was agin’, I was gettin’ younger… all alone.”

Benjamin Button sure lived an interesting life full of events noteworthy even for a fictional character. His ability, gift, and curse to age backwards was undoubtedly the most captivating thing about his character. Surely, no living creature can age backwards. Or can they….

Today I awoke, escaped the comforting grasp of my bed, and looked in the mirror. Suddenly, fear swept through my body; like jumping into a freezing pool of water, I was so surprised I could barely move. I looked 15 again! In the span of a six hour slumber, I had aged seven years in reverse. I stood there fascinated at the fact that I was looking into the eyes of a high school version of myself.

How is this possible, you ask? No creams, medicines, or Amazonian herbs were used on me. Instead, a simple, common razor shaved those years from my face.

Some men in life live a long time with clean shaven faces. While others allow their manliness to be displayed by a properly groomed beard, goatee, or mustache. Many men support facial hair for its style and fashionable look. While others, including myself, support it to hide the fact that we do not age.

We need to hide our gift from the world or else we would be captured and thrown into laboratories to be studied by scientists looking to cure old age.

That wouldn’t be fair to us. No, we deserve normal lives just as others do. We are not x-men mutants, demons, or freaks. We are simply mortal men blessed with the ability to always look charmingly young.

I first realized I was different during my time at college. I was frequently turned away from buying things like lighter fluid in gas stations because “I didn’t look 15.” To which I would usually reply,”Oh, well that’s good because I’m 19!”

For years I endured the taunts and harassment that came along with the gift of not being bound to an hourglass of life. Then, one day I found a way to escape the attention- facial hair. For the last 2 years I have been sporting some form of facial hair. Sometimes scruff beards sometimes goatees. While I had facial hair, I knew no one would treat me differently or fear my god like ability to remain youthful as if I was a character that escaped the fictional world of Tuck Everlasting.

Recently I was urged to shave by several of my coworkers. I began the act of shaving only to realize that it would expose my uniqueness to the world. I panicked and left a goatee area of hair remaining on my face. My office mates did not like my goatee and they were open about their disapproval. Tired of the vexation caused by my facial hair style, I agreed to fully shave last night.

I awoke and realized that there was a good chance that they would think that I Benjamined Buttoned overnight. I accepted the mistake had had committed and walked into the office with my head held as high as one who has made a misjudgment could.

Instantly, I was bombarded with jokes and comments on how young I looked.

“Hey Little Boy, are you old enough to work here?”

“Hey, Jim. I didn’t know it was take your child to work day. Where are your parents?”

“Dude! What are you …like 12 years old?”

After years of concealing my power, I had let a simple lapse of judgment expose my true form- that of an enlarged middle-schooler.

Now bound to the burden of carrying an ID card on me just to see an “R” rated movie has become a reality.

All I ask is that you can accept me and not treat me any different for lacking the ability to age.

My goal last night was to simply go to GNC to buy some vitamins and then to purchase a video game at Game Stop. Little did I know that these two errands would evolve into large annoyances.

I began my journey into GNC by being greeted by an evil he-man-esque worker named Kendall. Upon stepping through the gates of the vitamin and steroid realm, Kendall informed me that he had the knowledge of all the grand elder wizards and that he could assist me with anything I needed to learn. I dismissed his offer of aid and grabbed what I had entered to store for.

I quickly turned and made a dash for the counter before I could be cut off by a GNC minion that wish to persuade travelers into buying vast amounts of unnecessary pills and shakes. Kendall scanned the bottle across the red laser of pricing and for a moment, I thought I had won. But alas, I was in the palm of Kendall’s hand.

I learned that unless I bought another $25 bottle of elixir, I would not be satisfied with my purchase. Kendall then ran through his whole spiel, which he somehow flawlessly tied in something about WWII soldiers and fighting Nazis.

Tired and broken from an uneventful day at work, I caved and sarcastically agreed that it was a great deal as I gestured to Kendall to add the extra bottle. Suddenly, without warning I was rewarded with a chance to become a gold card member! This elusive title of knighthood was usually only offered to the highest of society for the large sum of $15, but for me it would cost but $2. Of course I had to take it! As Kendall said, “It’s a no brainer!”

But wait! Just like an infomercial, there’s more!

Being a Gold Card member entitled me to be rewarded another bottle of vitamins for a mere fraction of the original cost. At the approval of Kendall’s pleads, I tacked that on to the bill as well. For my cooperation I even had two free shitty magazines bestowed upon me.

My total had gone from a humble $40 to over $75. Was I taken? Was I tricked by a Jedi-Mind? No. I knew what was happening the whole time. So why did I allow this to happen. Plain and simple- I was so tired of all the sales-pitches I hear on a daily basis that I caved and didn’t care anymore. It was easier to just agree and buy more useless crap then try to argue with the shop clerk.

I left the store and headed down to Game Stop. Finally, I was in a serene, no pressure environment. I grabbed my game, walked to the cash register, and handed it over to the worker. The total was displayed on the cash register and as I reached for my satchel filled of coin, I was cut off by the worker. He inquired if I was a Silver Points Program member.

Repulsed by the thought of my wallet chocking to death on yet another plastic membership card, I politely informed the shop keep that I was not a member and I was certainly not interested. Instantly, I was attacked with a sarcastic, mocking tone from the cashier. “Oh, yeah. Why would you want free stuff?! That sounds stupid,” he said.

My own voice echoed in my head “ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME, GUY?!”

Seriously, it is almost impossible these days to walk into a store, buy what you want, and escape without having to be pressured into becoming a member. Sorry if I don’t want 40 pieces of plastic in my wallet that always seem to get in the way when I need to show my ID to enter a bar. It’s even more annoying when I actually want to use a membership card somewhere like Best Buy and I have to shuffle through my wallet for 5 minutes looking for the right one- Only to realize I’m not in Best Buy, I’m in Radio Shack.

It is getting to the point where I am soon going to need multiple wallets. One for money and Identification cards. The other for membership cards to a bunch of stores that I probably buy one thing from a year.

I think from now on that we, the consumers, should offer membership cards to the business that plague our thoughts until we cave.

Cashier: “Excuse me, sir. Do you have a Bed, Bath, and Beyond membership card?”

Me: “No, I don’t. Do you have a fucking Jim Ferguson Platinum Card? It lets you have the chance to speak to me without me punching your damn face. It is usually $50,000, but today I am willing to offer it to you for $5.”

When is this crap going to stop? Soon society is going to implement “friendship cards.”

“Sorry, but you can’t go to the bar with Steve tonight, you don’t have a membership card to be his friend past 7 p.m.”

Anyhow, does this piss anyone else off? Let me know what you think.

BTW for a mere $4, you can buy a Platinum-Emerald membership card to this blog, which allows you to post more than 1 comment each day. Thanks!

Of course roaming through ancient, treasure-filled cities or being on the silver screen would be amazing; there is one dream much bigger that I had. A dream that every man who has ever lived has had; the dream of having a friend with benefits.

A thought so absurd, scientists laughed at it, priests shielded themselves with a cross from it, and presidents vetoed it. All because it is seemingly impossible, implausible, and unfathomable to believe two people can enjoy each other, have sex, and not become attached.

Recently, I have become that explorer I have always dreamed to be. I entered a mythical world that many men will never experience- the world of “friends with benefits.” I return a scatter-minded fool that has since asked the question “what the hell just happened?”

Without going into much detail about my ordeal, I would like to present a few guidelines for any future explorers wishing to follow in my footprints.

1. A friend with Benefits means “FRIENDS” with benefits: By this, I mean that one clear thing to keep in mind is that you are supposedly friends. One of the issues I experienced was the separation of closeness from the benefits. We had our fun at night and in the morning she would leave and that was that. To a logical person that seems like the perfect set-up. She leaves in the morning because if she stayed that’s something a girlfriend would do, right? Wrong. Always keep in mind that you started out as friends. Kicking them out in the morning shows that you just want the benefits and nothing more.
2. Do not allow the friend to interact with your family: Girlfriends are the ones that speak to your mom about what’s good on TV. Girlfriends are the ones that introduce themselves to your brother and sister. Friends with benefits are not. This may seem rude; however it is key to the success of the situation that neither friend becomes connected to the other friend’s family in any way.  

Families can be powerful persuaders and when they meet a girl or boy their family member spends time with, they try to push that family member into a relationship. This can add much stress to the situation and can bring up some feelings of relationship, which will devastate the agreement.

Be firm and do not budge on this guideline. When I had my situation, I made it clear that I did not want her interacting with my family. She would arrive at my house and I would greet her by saying “Go through the living room and straight to my room. Got it? No stops, no convos with the rents, nothing.”

To her it seemed rude, but it was necessary. In my particular situation I let her know that introducing herself to my family would lead them to think we were dating. She did it anyhow- partly because she wanted something more, I suspect.

1. Always deny an invitation to be around their family: As stated earlier- you do not want to interact with the family members of your “friend”. The very first night I spent at her place…well..It got loud to say the least. In the morning, awkwardness filled the air as she forced me to meet her mother. Nearing the end of our course, she invited me to go to Illinois with her to meet her grandmother. I  denied the request in order to preserve the situation we had. Unfortunately she offered the same opportunity to her ex, which proved fatal.
2. Be spontaneous: One of the trademarks of a couple is the dullness that accompanies predictable days. You meet up, watch a movie, have fun, and go to sleep. All seems well, but if you keep sticking to a routine it will create a sense of boredom – or worse- a sense of being a couple.
3. Don’t allow her to bring her baggage on board: For the most part, any girl willing to enter into a binding agreement to be “friends with benefits” has some emotional baggage. Sure, women like sex just as much as guys, but usually they are more willing to commit to a relationship. A girl seeking “friends with benefits” most likely has been emotionally scarred.  Allow them to share their fears and insecurities and you’re asking for a mess of trouble. Telling you their darkest secrets is a way for them to draw you into their web and try to force an emotional connection. It’s like trying to fix a broken doll. Keep trying to gather the pieces and glue the porcelain back together and you’re bound to get cut. Better to stay out of serious conversations. Neither you nor her are there to play therapist- just relax and remember why you began the situation in the first place- TO HAVE FUN!
4. You can’t get mad when you lose something you never had: Always understand the situation can come to a sudden halt immediately. The girl, or yourself may find something better for them. Don’t become upset- you are not losing a relationship because you never had one.  Sure you may feel bitter because you lose the benefits, but remember that it is probably for the best because you didn’t want to date them in the first place.

Personally, I had trouble dealing with this in the beginning. My situation ended because I wouldn’t act like a boyfriend because that’s not what I wanted. I lost her because she wanted a relationship with stability. I was angry and upset that I lost out on what I had. But at the same time, I didn’t actually lose any relationship because we never committed to one. So you may feel angry and bitter, but remember that you didn’t date them for a reason- most likely because it wouldn’t have worked out to begin with.

   5. You were “FRIENDS” with benefits: When the time comes for the situation to end, and it will, remember that you were originally friends. This means that both of you should act respectful to each other and not try to childishly shut each other out completely. Unfortunately, one of the friends will probably hold a grudge towards the other for not wanting to commit to something more serious. Don’t blame each other for this. Keep in mind your original agreement and try to stick to the rules created early on.

You may be wondering how my situation turned out after following these guidelines. To answer that, I will reply with “Terrible.” Purely a terrible, awful situation. I was open to remain friends, but she wasn’t. She moved on to find a guy willing to date her. I want the sex back. Oh well. To be honest I couldn’t date her, not until she grew up some. Mostly, it is upsetting that she feels friendship cannot exist. But that is what happens in these treacherous situations. To my knowledge no man has ever entered the world of “friends with benefits” and has returned happy, successful, and unchanged. Sex will forever change any relationship- keep this in mind.

In the end, I wasn’t successful in my endeavors, leaving me still hopeful that one day I will be a great explorer. One that other men are envious of. But I can assure you that I will not reach that status by going after the elusive “friends with benefits” treasure again. It’s a treasure that seems amazing – one greater than anything in the world. Be warned that this treasure, when opened, will melt your face like the lost ark.

I wish any travelers luck as the cross the land of insanity that is “friends with benefits.”

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This is the grand unveiling of “Charm-Twisting’s” new logo!!!!!

DRUM ROLL…………..

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It’s a scary thing to stab an adrenaline needle into the heart of my blog. Will it wake back up? Will it captivate more than 4 readers per post? Will it forgive me for abandoning it? There’s a good chance the answer is a resounding “NO.”

Now I am a murderer for letting my blog wither and starve. I am left crouching over the body repeatedly saying, “What have I done? I’M SORRY!”

Ok, Ok….that’s not the case at all, but I am upset that I had taken a hiatus from writing so early on. It was a needed break which granted me the time to get the ball rolling on my new job.  

I am now an “Assistant Director of Admissions”….oh wait that changed to “Admissions Representative” directly after I signed a contract stating I would be the first title. Really? That sounds like such a step down. Perhaps tomorrow they can change my title to “jackass with no responsibility.” That’ll make prospective students think I’m really important.

So what does a “Jackass with no responsibility” do? …..opps, sorry I meant “Admissions representative.”  Well, we actually do a hell of a lot of work, which is exactly why I wasn’t too fond of the title switch. To me a “representative” does not help most people, but my peers and I will go through hellfire if it means helping a student enroll.  In fact, I motion we change the title to “Assistant life changer and inspirer of creative individuals.” …Yeah, that sounds modest enough.

To give you a sense of my tasks, I present this average day outline for you. I call students interested in enrolling, find out why they want to go to school, give them school information, help them apply, help them fill out financial aid paperwork, help them with loan counseling, help them with master promissory notes, help the retrieve their high school / GED transcripts, and help them submit their portfolios for certain programs. After the student is accepted, I walk them into their virtual classrooms and help explain their first few assignments, show them how to access all academic information, and finally help them learn the layout of the online programs. To me, that is far more work than a “representative” should be doing.

But alas, the switch has occurred and I can no longer impress girls by stating that I am an assistant director. Sad, but it just means that I will work my way up the promotional ladder until I get position as THE DIRECTOR. (Insert evil laugh)